Stuck in a Moment

"lou,hu gave u d right to say ur single? are u not clinging on 2 the promise weve made 2 years ago? why do u make me bleed? have i not loved u enough? i still feel d same way that i do 2 years ago. i might be away but it's with u where my heart stays!"

Again, it gave a light of hope for me. I am really lonely to the point that I cry when I am alone, even when I'm just walking going home, I cry because I thought of things that could have been if we are still together. I do not know if he bleeds, why can't we work things out, what are the things that he's afraid of. I wish we can work things out and be together again, but I think that's not gonna happen in a distant moment for him. I'd just wish again.

I do not know if what I am doing right now is something that I should do or end up regretting. I hope that every day he's not with me, the more he distance away from me, until eventually, I have nothing to hope for. Or would this be the setting that would make us better. I always try to come up with what he wants, even though it hurts too much. I feel two different things, happy for I met him again. Happy for I was able to touch again his face. Just looking at him while he was sleeping, just like the days when he used to sleep just beside me. I miss all the things that we used to do and have before. I am thinking if we were like before now, how would we be then. I am also sad, lonely, for I know that moment is something that won't last. We'll have to end up parting our ways apart. I hugged him so tight like it was the last hug I can ask for, the comfort that I can try to savour. For I don't know myself when will be the next. He gave me his assurance, a promise again I have to cling to. I see a light, but its very faint that it seeps the life out of me. I am weak, I am one too frail. He told me of all things that happened to him, it was better. I knew he is having a better life. And I asked myself, how am I today. It seemed like I want to fall down and cry, but no, not in front of him. I tried to keep it from him. I have to survive, work hard, for mabe one day, he would realize he would like to be with me again. For I know he does not want to, we just have to see ourselves, probably, once or twice a month, or once in a blue moon. I don't have a choice but to agree, for I know in my heart I long for him every minute. When I think of all these things, I think, are these supposed to be in our plan, and if it is, then why am I not happy with it. If not, then why cannot I do anything about it. Everything is all just up to him, I rest my life with him along with all my dreams and wishes that had stopped by with a sudden turn of a moment.

Turn Back the Pendulum 2

I was quite surprised that he found this blog and I thought, well, he remembered me. With all his thoughts that he has for me, I hope that he knew I am already on the point where I am ready to take all the struggles again for us to have something different, a life of our own, and maybe something he can be proud of. But at that moment, when I was already about to change things for the better, I was left off handed, nowhere to go, nowhere to seek comfort with. Just when the time, I am already about to face our dreams, again, I failed. I tried to reach him when I have no money, but if he only knew who I reached before him. I tried to swallow all my pride and guts, I tried to go to my family and yet I was pushed away, to my friends and yet I was not able to find them. So he's the last person I knew and I trusted I can turn to but yet, even though I know he should already be having his time of his life, I turned to him like I was in a point of death and life. In desolation, I did things I have to do in order to survive. I came to the point that I have to eat once a day, by the time free lunch is served in our office. And I did not want him to know that, eventhough, I know he will see this soon. But yet, I did my best, because I know I have to survive. I want to be better so if he decides to see me once again, he'll see that I lived and survived. I trusted that he would take me out of that place but yet, I failed, in a sudden, he went and sailed on his own. I hope I can do the right things to correct everything, but without him, what can I do.

Raz, I know I did things that hurt you and I realized that. I told you that I'll get a job to help you and I did. I told you we'll go somewhere else to live but some unfortunate events happened. Just by the time, I was already working things out, you have to leave, and I thought I'll leave next. But, when you left, you also left me behind. Now, tell me, in my current condition, I am trying to stand up from my great fall, and I cannot bear this pain. I seek help and it hurts when I know it should not be from you. I did things you cannot imagine just to stand up once again but yet, I feel I'm still down. You're last text with me was to let me know that you we're compensated for 30K, and I did not asked money, because I know, at my great fall, at my lowest point, I cannot ask already for help. What I was asking was just a time to be with you, but yet you refused. You left me then without saying goodbye. Is it really that easy for you? Cause its not for me. I go home, sleep, go to work thinking why I need to survive, what for. Is it because I am scared to die or is it because I want to prove I am strong. But for all this, I still am living. Because I am thinking, you probably might want me back, but its like a wish on a shooting star. If you want me, lets sail together, if not, please let me know and you'll never have to remember me. I love you, you know I will always do. If this is again another test, this one is something I can never fail. But if you push me to that failing point, just push me with one blow or help me win again. I hope you know what I am dealing now, good thing for you, you're on the opposite side of life. See you soon...

Turn Back the Pendulum

I always wondered what I can do to change my path and lead it for the better, but everytime I tried my best, it all comes down to nothing. I have made up my mind that I'll do my best so we'll be better but there are some things that I cannot control. Right now, he already left me with every wishes and dreams I have hoped for. Just when the time I was ready to move forward. Just when the time I was ready to face our dreams. But then, some unfortunate events happened that led us to be apart, what I do not expect is that he would go off board and sail on his own. I was left alone, if he only knew everything that happened to me as I struggle to survive until this moment. In times, I was mad, for all of this was not supposed to happen, but shit happens. I always love him and if it comes to a time that he need to go on his own, I will always concede. I just wish that what he's going through right now is something that would already make him happy and better.

I really do miss him, how can I not. Every time I sleep, I always longed for him, crazy thinking that one day, he would open the door and come right beside me. I wonder, if we meet again, how will I face him, with all the tragedies of being alone, how will I face him. For now, I have to survive, move on, no regrets for everything happens for a reason. We might not know yet but I am getting there for sure.